Roots

Today I stray from exposing unlikely super heroes to talk about where I come from. I tend to take simple things for granted. For example I forget that my curls are a genetic gift connecting me to my father and my father's mother and so on. So too do I forget that my name is the first gift my ancestors shared with me. Names can be a road map to your past, your roots.

Literally my full name means pure, new village, land exposed to the sun. My mom chose not to change her name when she married my dad. Rather than complicate her daughter's lives with a hyphenated last name (thank you mom) she and my dad compromised. My mom would pick our first names and we would take our dad's last name. So there explains the "pure" and "land exposed to the sun" translations of my first and last name.

My mom's choice to keep her maiden name when she married my dad had little or nothing to do with feminist principles or dislike for my father's family name, and everything to do with her love for her paternal family. Since I share in this deep love I am grateful that she chose not to exclude my sister and me from carrying this name. Rather than give my sister and me second names as middle names (which I have never fully understood the purpose of) she gave us "new village," - the N. that stands between "pure" and "land exposed to the sun."

While I experienced periods of resentment that my middle name was not generic like Nichole, or feminine like Rose, as I got older I began to appreciate the things that made me unique. With maturity the fortunate realize that in a world of 6 billion people it is what makes you different that keeps you sane.

As a child I purchased a name card that prescribed the origin and meaning of my first name. "Pure" was a word that packed a lot of meaning in catholic school... some of which I did not want to be associated with in the midst of puberty. Pure and prude to me were interchangeable and quite honestly it couldn't have been closer to the truth. While I longed to be a rebel in the conventional sense - lying to parents, smoking behind the church, breaking curfew to be with boys - these things were not comfortable for me.  I took my time to experience all of the above, but later than some of my peers.

Unsurprisingly, in my early teens, I was known for being somewhat pure and often wanted to break out of that box; but my name carried more truth than I understood at the time.  Now as an adult the word "pure" has taken on a meaning that I am proud of - a purity of mind and soul is something I strive for. As for my middle name the literal translation of "new village" means little to me in comparison to how privileged I feel to be a part of the "new village" family. I carry my last name proudly. "Land exposed to the sun" is meaningful because my father and my father's father were farmers. My dad now is a gardener - not by profession but at heart. While I know little about our ancestors, it would appear from our Northern Italian name that land and sun were important to them. In my own life I have always held the sun in high regard - whether it was my 4th grade self considering rainy Fridays as bad luck or my present overwhelming desire to reside where the sun shines for most of the year.

My name, my full name, is a talisman I carry with me. It connects me to my past and present while in essence guiding my future.

It's not always about coming up with your own words, but sharing the words of others:

Ever hear a song and feel like the past, present, and future versions of yourself conspired to write it? Possibly, in hopes of relieving some of that pressure you put on yourself.

Turn Around by David Ryan Harris

I am not a fool
Love did not make me dumb
So tonight I seek the truth
Am I still the only one?

Baby just save face
And make me believe that when
You ask me for space
That it's not to fit someone else in

I pray that when the sun goes down on everything you've done
Whoever's arms your sleeping in will warm you like the sun
I hope your dreams are peaceful, I hope your sleep is sound
And you are satisfied with what you found
When you finally turn around

Sugar, don't hold out
For if you don't love me still
It's the least that you could do
Baby, to let me find some one that will

I pray that when the sun goes down on everything you've done
Who ever's arms your sleeping in will warm you like the sun
I hope your dreams are peaceful, and I hope your sleep is sound
And you are satisfied with what you found

Twenty years from now my love,
Long after all the tears have dried
Who'll be there in memory only
And who'll be by your side?

Regret is a pill to swill
That never quite goes down
I pray that he is gentle and careful with your heart
That he touches you in ways that slowly pry your shell apart
So he can reach that part of you that truly is your core
And you have found in him more that you have been pining for

Baby girl Regret is a pill to swill
That never quite goes down
I hope your dreams are peaceful, I hope your sleep is sound
And you are satisfied with what you found
When you finally turn around
Hey, hey hey hey
When you finally turn around
Hey, hey hey hey
When you finally turn around
Hey, hey hey hey
When you finaly turn around
When you finally

To Know Thy Self

Makin' somethin' outta nothin'.

Marians Love

I graduated from college in 2008. The shock that accompanied my exit from undergrad led to a year of travel, building friendships, and part time work. All of which functioned, in one way or another, as distractions. I had my preliminary credential which, due to economic downturn, proved to be fairly useless in the job market. Did I want to pursue teaching in the failing educational system? Was I willing to scrap all the tests I took, my student teaching, my entire undergraduate career and start a new?

These were questions I had no time to answer! There were bars to be frequented, friends in foreign countries to visit, and teacher-less classrooms where a sub was needed. Although I would not trade, what my friend Emily calls, "the lost year" there were some dark moments that accompanied all the fun I was having. While I was active socially, I refused to think about my future beyond next Saturday night ("S-A-T-U-R-D-A-Y Night!" - Bay City Rollers) save for those fleeting moments in between sleeping and dreaming when reality would sneak in while my defenses were down. My heart would pound until I distracted myself by turning on the T.V. or replaying last "S-A-T-U-R-D-A-Y Night!" in my head.

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Not to worry, this story has a happy ending and for my devoted followers (Erin) I have every intention of honoring an unlikely super hero - but the hero needs the context and so we forge on.
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At some point I either forced myself to face the reality that haunted my subconscious or was forced by an opportunity to return to school for a long considered career path - speech and language pathology.

I am not sure I can attest to the saying "when one door closes, another door opens" but I can say that in my life, when one door opens several will open shortly thereafter. Once I signed up for the prerequisite courses required for graduate study in speech and language pathology I was offered a long term substitute teaching position. Where before my life was at an intellectual stand still I found myself in the midst of a windfall of opportunities for growth. I jumped at both and have not regretted it since.

This year I have experienced a boost in confidence and renewed anticipation for my entre into adulthood. That being said, this morning I was able to revisit a very unique part of my past (although in many ways it is still a part of my present and will be a part of my future). In college I was a member of an all women service organization called Marians. Our mission: "the betterment of women and children" particularly through domestic violence prevention, breast cancer awareness, and feminism.

I don't think I knew at the time how much I needed a support group of smart, independent, dedicated, crazy (and I mean that in the best sense of the word), and beautiful women. Being a Marian changed my life for the better. Today I attended our alumni reunion and was reminded of how deeply it has influenced my sense of self. Many of my best friends are women I met while I was a Marian. As I sat with some of them today and heard Marians of past and present reflect on their favorite memories I was pleased to hear that they had been equally affected by their involvement in this group. One current Marian said, "I can't choose one favorite memory.. if I were to pick something it would be moments like this, when we come together."

My hero for today is not one, but the growing group of Marians; whom I have every confidence will shake and change this world for the better.

"Remember the past
Change the present
Dream the future"
Marians love

Priorities

"We all have priorities. I think about what I am going to eat and how I am going to get out of things." - Adelle Cantor (the woman who does my eyebrows)

It's not always about coming up with your own words, but sharing the words of others:

"We get lost in the back of our minds. Got nothin to burn but time, time, time. Everybody's got the love but they keep it inside." - Eric Hutchinson "Oh!"