Must-Haves

This isn't the first blog post you'll read about internet dating and it won't be the last.

I am an ex-internet dater.  Seems that most city dwelling 20 somethings can say the same.  Some left the world of awkward e-mails and cringe-worthy first dates because they got fed up while others found what they were looking for - a hook up, an adventure, a relationship, a healthy disdain for guys/ girls who describe themselves as "gym rats" (read as "cough potato" if you are a presently offended gym rat).  Personally, I called it quits when I met Travis without the help of the dotcoms.  I know, I guess it does still happen. I am just as shocked as you.  In meeting, getting to know, and falling in love with Travis I have some theories as to why I was a relatively unsuccessful "ok-cupider," "matcher,".... you get the point.  I made the rounds and all I got was this lousy t-shirt...     

In a city as large as Los Angeles you can imagine the massive number of profiles there are to sift through. It is understandable and possibly imperative to develop some easy strategy for weeding out the contenders from the "not for me's" so I (and I am sure I'm not the only one) developed a list of must-haves as a function of maintaining my sanity.  Hind-sight's 20/20 but my list had some serious flaws... here's why: 

1. Must be 30.

I had never dated someone more than a few months older than me and the idea of someone several years older seemed appealing.  I guess the thought of my potential suitor waxing poetic about the early 80's was compelling.  More importantly, I wanted to date someone that had some knowledge and experience; someone who was mature.  Unfortunately, I bought into the postulation that men mature at a slower rate than women. Somehow 30 became my magic number. 30 = mature. 30 or bust.   

Underlying value: Maturity. It will become clear to you if it hasn't already that my goal as a "e-harmony-er" was to simplify the online dating process. Age is often listed at the very top of an online dating profile.  An easy-to-spot indicator of "maturity." How do you gauge maturity easily from a profile that his co-worker or sister edited? How do you decide whether it is fair to call him immature simply because he listed The Brave Little Toaster as his favorite movie? As a result, 30 became a sign of his character rather than simply the number of years he lived. The waters are murky out there people... I wanted to see the shark before it bit me. 30 was quantifiable. 30 was safe. 30 was mature.

2. Must be a college graduate.

I am a college graduate and I took up internet dating while in grad school.  I wanted someone who valued education and wasn't intimidated by my desire to pursue it.   I believed that a degree on his wall (or more realistically, sitting in a stack of papers at his parent's house) was an easy way of discerning his intelligence. Dating a guy who graduated from college meant interesting conversation, insightful questions, and shared interests.

Underlying value: Intelligence. I am not saying the men I dated were unintelligent, but being a college graduate did NOT guarantee interesting conversation, insightful questions, and shared interests. Often all it meant was that his parents valued higher education and he had their financial support.

What I am getting at is that my must-haves were not standing up.  The qualities I scoured profiles for were not translating to captivating dates but without them the terrain was too wild and too vast. My must-haves brought order to my online-dating world and I clung to them like tiny talismans.

3. Must have a large intact family.

This one was just hypocritical. The truth is, my family was not "intact." In fact my parents got a divorce the year before I started online dating.  To be even more honest I saw this as a justifiable reason for men not to date me. This thought makes me sad and ashamed now but I was insecure and saw the end of my parents marriage as a reflection of my ability to participate in a long term relationship. This is completely inaccurate and unfair to my parents who, through their divorce, taught me about a different kind of love entirely (a topic for another blog post.) My point is that I also burdened my prospective suitors with this naive supposition.

Underlying value: Love. I wanted someone who had loved, been loved, and witnessed love. Long lasting love. I wanted some insurance, some safety. In a way all of these must-have's reflected my desperate desire for safety; this one most of all.   Unfortunately these internet dating profiles don't have a section asking users to gauge their ability to love on a scale of 1-10, 1 being "I have a hard piece of coal where my heart should be" and 10 being "I FEEL ALL THE FEELINGS."  Instead I boiled a complex character trait into something I could tick off on a check list.

For me online dating felt a lot like hiring a new employee.  The only difference being that his resume included what he enjoyed doing on a lazy Saturday rather than his ability to use Microsoft Word.  Therefore, when reading a contender's profile it was easier to ask myself, "can he fill this position?" rather than "would I enjoy getting to know him?"  It wasn't until I met my mature, intelligent, and loving boyfriend that the difference in these two questions became perfectly clear.  Ultimately, and probably unbeknownst to him, he taught me that my must-haves were bull shit.  My underlying values on the other hand proved to be far more important. 

So while I think for me this post serves as a confession or an epiphany there might be some wisdom hidden in my mistakes.  Internet dating is a frontier and we are the pioneers.  Learn from my mistakes so you and everyone in your wagon don't die of dysentery.  Profiles are simply a preview for the movie so give the movie a chance.  Perhaps you will find it valuable.         

It Is

You assured her I was capable
I saw in your eyes that you meant it.
It was then and there
that meaningful place in the middle of nowhere
on those rocking chairs.

It's in that car
and on that beach
in front of that sunset
through out that sparkling park.

There was a look from a stage
a returned wave and a flicker in our eyes.
It's music.

It's in that hotel room
in your smile
and in my laugh
in our words
from early on.

It's the rusted keys resting by my bed
and the books stacked on your shelf.
It's important and it's luck.
It's you and it's me.
It's us and I am glad
it is.  
  

Writing

I would be much more prolific if I could write fiction.

Themes

My blog used to have a theme but not every story can be a tale of heroism therefore I will no longer write solely about those who I deem to be heroic.  Considering that in 2010 I thought P!nk and Dr. Drew were worthy of a post, maybe this is a good thing...

I am inspired to write today because I realized I just celebrated an anniversary in January - one that is worth turning over in my mind and commemorating and one that has few heroes to boast.  I celebrated a 4 year anniversary: the relationship has been on and off, hot and cold, and at times highly ridiculous.  Honestly, I think I have resented this relationship more than I valued it.  I tried to change myself for it and I kept it a secret from most of those close to me.  It's influence made me question myself constantly and therefore, at times, made me feel very insecure.  Four years ago in January I entered into a complicated and tumultuous relationship with online dating.  I have been on 3 dating sites in the past four years so, although I paint "him" as an abusive boyfriend, I can't really say that I have been faithful.   

Online dating is a common occurrence in the world of city dwelling 20 somethings, therefore it is cliche to be ashamed of it.  That being said, I tend to be a pretty private person (all current evidence to the contrary) and I was embarrassed to think I somehow couldn't meet any one in the conventional paradigm.  I wanted a romantic comedy plot to play out in my life (one that would star someone like Mindy Kaling or Kristen Wiig) and when that was not happening for me I felt like I was somehow less than.  My self deprecating perception of being an online dater meant that I was hesitant to publicly proclaim,  "I am scouring the internet for a boyfriend the way my sister scours zappos for shoes!!"  If someone asked me directly, "have you tried online dating?" I answered honestly and with time and the halting hesitation of a 2nd grader at confession, I shared my affliction with some of my closest friends.

Now that I have more friends who have tried online dating, many (gay, straight, male, and female) with great success and one that recently became engaged to a man she met online, I feel more comfortable saying yes when people ask if I have online dated.  "What's the difference?" you ask?  Before I wasn't comfortable with it.  What I am trying to say is that dating is personal and aside from this blog post I am not inclined to bare all when discussing it.   

Not only is dating personal but people approach it differently.  Some people jump in, schedule several dates in a week, and don't stop until they are in a relationship.  I truly enjoy talking to my friends who have done this.  They create Excel spreadsheets, rate their dates, and make dating look fun.  I am sure you have assumed by now, if only because of the fact that this is a four year anniversary, that I am not this kind of person.  The first website I tried was match.com.  Of the 3 months I spent on the site I went out with two guys.  Not enough to make an Excel spreadsheet... not even enough to necessitate a table in Word. 

Let's

By: Caitlin N. Solari
For: Sarah Jane Neville

Let’s pretend we are on the radio

And that tomorrow will never come.

Let’s shoot poppers at midnight

And play out action movies til 3.

Let’s dance to TLC

And talk about sex with boys.

Let’s ignore our parents.

Pretend their mistakes

Won’t be the same as ours.

Let’s fight

Because we know that neither of us

Can really understand

How the other one breathes.

Let’s play dress up

Make Andrew wear a silk skirt

And laugh until our insides hurt.

Let’s pretend the gap doesn’t exist.

Let there be no space, no time, no distance. 

Let’s lay in bunk beds

Talk until we fall asleep

About who you would be

if you lived to see 23.