Themes

My blog used to have a theme but not every story can be a tale of heroism therefore I will no longer write solely about those who I deem to be heroic.  Considering that in 2010 I thought P!nk and Dr. Drew were worthy of a post, maybe this is a good thing...

I am inspired to write today because I realized I just celebrated an anniversary in January - one that is worth turning over in my mind and commemorating and one that has few heroes to boast.  I celebrated a 4 year anniversary: the relationship has been on and off, hot and cold, and at times highly ridiculous.  Honestly, I think I have resented this relationship more than I valued it.  I tried to change myself for it and I kept it a secret from most of those close to me.  It's influence made me question myself constantly and therefore, at times, made me feel very insecure.  Four years ago in January I entered into a complicated and tumultuous relationship with online dating.  I have been on 3 dating sites in the past four years so, although I paint "him" as an abusive boyfriend, I can't really say that I have been faithful.   

Online dating is a common occurrence in the world of city dwelling 20 somethings, therefore it is cliche to be ashamed of it.  That being said, I tend to be a pretty private person (all current evidence to the contrary) and I was embarrassed to think I somehow couldn't meet any one in the conventional paradigm.  I wanted a romantic comedy plot to play out in my life (one that would star someone like Mindy Kaling or Kristen Wiig) and when that was not happening for me I felt like I was somehow less than.  My self deprecating perception of being an online dater meant that I was hesitant to publicly proclaim,  "I am scouring the internet for a boyfriend the way my sister scours zappos for shoes!!"  If someone asked me directly, "have you tried online dating?" I answered honestly and with time and the halting hesitation of a 2nd grader at confession, I shared my affliction with some of my closest friends.

Now that I have more friends who have tried online dating, many (gay, straight, male, and female) with great success and one that recently became engaged to a man she met online, I feel more comfortable saying yes when people ask if I have online dated.  "What's the difference?" you ask?  Before I wasn't comfortable with it.  What I am trying to say is that dating is personal and aside from this blog post I am not inclined to bare all when discussing it.   

Not only is dating personal but people approach it differently.  Some people jump in, schedule several dates in a week, and don't stop until they are in a relationship.  I truly enjoy talking to my friends who have done this.  They create Excel spreadsheets, rate their dates, and make dating look fun.  I am sure you have assumed by now, if only because of the fact that this is a four year anniversary, that I am not this kind of person.  The first website I tried was match.com.  Of the 3 months I spent on the site I went out with two guys.  Not enough to make an Excel spreadsheet... not even enough to necessitate a table in Word. 

Let's

By: Caitlin N. Solari
For: Sarah Jane Neville

Let’s pretend we are on the radio

And that tomorrow will never come.

Let’s shoot poppers at midnight

And play out action movies til 3.

Let’s dance to TLC

And talk about sex with boys.

Let’s ignore our parents.

Pretend their mistakes

Won’t be the same as ours.

Let’s fight

Because we know that neither of us

Can really understand

How the other one breathes.

Let’s play dress up

Make Andrew wear a silk skirt

And laugh until our insides hurt.

Let’s pretend the gap doesn’t exist.

Let there be no space, no time, no distance. 

Let’s lay in bunk beds

Talk until we fall asleep

About who you would be

if you lived to see 23.